Wish I was too dead to cry
by starangel24
Summary: Rating is just to be safe probably lower...song fic from stonesours Bother.
1. self affliction fails

**BOTHER**- (ARTIST: STONE SOUR) CHAPTER 1 

INTRODUCTION/PROLOGUE:

"Wish I was too dead to cry. Self affliction fails"

A Seventeen-year-old boy stood in a dark hall waiting. Everyday he stood at this time waiting for a small letter. A letter showing him at least one person loved him in this faithless world.

He was about 6ft tall and had a vigorous look about him. His eyes were an incredible captivating grey. The only dreary thing about him was his pale face, which haunted the rest of his body.

His name was Draco Malfoy, once a Slytherin at Hogwarts, now a prisoner of his father.

After Draco had left school he was kept away from the outside world. Hidden from the beauty of the sun, only aloud out in the garden to glance at the moon. Although the sun wasn't the only beauty he missed. He couldn't speak to any of his old friends. He was made to leave everything behind.

It wasn't long before Draco Malfoy turned eighteen, only 5 months left. His Father, Lucius Malfoy didn't have much time left. That's where he was at the moment, planning the ceremony with the Dark Lord. The ceremony that will strip Draco away from his humanity and turn him into a slave of the Dark Lord; a dreaded Death eater. Lucius had to act fast, as soon as Draco turned eighteen, he could legally chose his own life, his own paths to what greatness has in store for him. He could make his own decisions…"this is unheard of" Lucius would say. But if Lucius acted now…before it's too late, Draco would have no choice in the matter, being still a child he would have to obey his father's commands.

"Finally" Draco murmured as the post was dropped onto the floor. Draco gave the brown owl that; flapped patiently by his shoulder, a few nickels and it flew away.

Draco flicked through the mail in his hands. Three letters were for his father about business. A newspaper and a gold envelope were addressed to himself. Draco dropped his fathers' letters on a table by the door and made his way into the kitchen.

A few elves were cleaning but as soon as they saw him enter they quickly shuffled their tools into their hands and left.

"You don't have to go…" Draco sighed. They didn't come back they were terrified of Lucius and as Draco was his son the never had much to do with him because they were afraid that he was the same.

Draco slid onto the kitchen unit by the sink and sat down comfortably.

"Potter on the front page of the newspaper again. The editors must fancy him," Draco sulked, "I could catch death eaters easily too, if I could get out of this bloody place!" He threw the newspaper onto the floor in jealousy.

He looked at the gold letter and ran his hand through his shoulder length hair, still a silvery blonde. His hand shook, excited while he opened the letter carefully not wanting to tear anything inside the envelope.

The inside contained a letter and a small necklace with a purple butterfly that hung in the middle of the butterfly was a diamond.

The letter read:

Dear Draco,

I miss you dearly. I wish I could be there right

Now and hold you close like before. After reading your last letter

I'm really worried about you. Are you sure you are ok. I can find

You're home easily enough with the help of Harry –you know how

Good he is at tracking people down. I'll come and save you. You're

Welcome to come live with me, my parents would love to meet you.

Please Draco I love you so much and I hate the thought that you

Might be hurt or suffering. Draco I need to know you're safe and well

You know, ok. Write soon. All my Love is sent with this necklace…this

Is my symbol of my heart that I give to you. Please don't break it.

Love Hermione xxx

Draco smiled sadly and slipped the letter into his pocket.


	2. I dont need to be

CHAPTER 2- I Don't need to be.

"Stones to throw at my creator, Masochist to which I cater, you don't need to bother, I don't need to be."

Last Line:

Draco smiled sadly and slipped the letter into his pocket.

Now:

It was nearly a month ago that Draco Had received a letter from Hermione asking him to come live with her. In his head he had been planning it. But there was no denying it he was afraid of his father. He was afraid to run away. Draco had always wanted to hurt his father for hurting him. He hated his father with a vengeance more for what he did to Draco's mother. He drove her to suicide. Draco had only just turned sixteen…just over two years ago It happened. Draco would never forgive his father. He had made a promise to his mother about his future. But it looked as though the promise was breaking.

The rain poured down drenching Draco. He slowly followed the vicar down the path. His uncle and two cousins were there to pay their respects to Narcissa Malfoy. Draco's mother was lowered into the ground. Lucius couldn't be here because he had business to do for the Dark Lord. As his wife is being buried he is probably off killing some other person and adding them to the ground. Two white roses were thrown on to the grave as the vicar began to speak "we have entrusted" Draco lifted his head and looked at his unknown family members. They were all crying. They didn't even know his mother properly; Lucius wouldn't have acknowledged them at all if he'd been here.

"Earth to earth," Draco couldn't cry, it was his father's fault, "Ashes to ashes", because Lucius always hit him if Draco cried. "Dust to dust", Draco watched as his mysterious uncle (a tall, dark haired man with the same eyes as him, the same as his mothers; a misty grey) threw a purple rose on to the coffin that had reached the ground, "to eternal life through our lord Jesus Christ" (the vicar continued.) That was his mothers favourite flower. How did he know that? The uncle drew the shape of a cross onto his body and walked away with his son (who nodded at Draco politely) and his daughter; leaving Draco alone with the vicar "rose again for us" the vicar finished "To him be glory, forever and ever". The vicar smiled a reassuring smile at Draco and walked over to him.

"My child," he said, " If you ever need someone to talk to, you may always talk to our holy father or you can come to me. We will always listen to people in need or who just want a friend to talk to."

"Thank you Father" Draco said as the vicar walked away.

Draco watched as his mothers grave was filled and finally he was left alone. He placed a purple rose on the soil that buried his mother in shadows. He placed his wand on the flower and said "reverof" Draco whispered, "They will never die, no matter what mum…the same as you will ever die. You will always live on through memories from the people who love you." He walked away from the grave and sat down on a bench "I promise you mum, I will never be like Lucius, I swear. I love you and I'm sorry I never told you."

"Draco, Come here now, Draco!" A voice brought him out of his memory. "Draco I'm not going to call you again!" The foul voice of Lucius boomed down the stairs.

"Coming Father." Draco yelled back.

His footsteps echoed as he walked up the cold marble stairs, across the landing into the imposing room of his fathers. The sourness was in the air.

Inside was the round table, with 13 black winged chairs set out with equal space between them. Papers were scattered all across the table, books were left untouched on shelves.

Draco hated this room. This was the room his father used to plan murders, committed murders and even laughed about the murders with other death eaters.

"Ahhh Son, I have something from our Lord for you. Here…" Lucius handed Draco a small letter, "Open it, it's yours, just arrived now."

Draco tarred open the letter and read it aloud:

Draco Malfoy,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been

Accepted into the circle of the Death eaters. You will be a valued

Member of the horde. We hope you will serve our Lord proudly.

Dates of Ceremony below,

Yours Sincerely

Agane Van Morrison

Time: 11:00pm, Date: 22nd January 2009, Place: Your father

Will know

Draco took a gulp as he looked at his father. Lucius was smiling. An evil smile showing Draco that He, Lucius Malfoy had won. Draco wouldn't, couldn't become a Death eater. All those long nights he had spent telling Hermione how he would never stoop so low to become a Death eater. H had to end it all now, while it was just he and his father.

"Father, I have power, strength and I can be anything I want to be." He took a deep breath and continued, "I'm going through changes Father and I have been for a long time. Changes I think you need to be aware of."

Lucius' smirk dropped and he began to look seriously at his son.

"Carry On Son…" He pushed.

"Well I, umm, I'm not like you, umm, I'm better…I'm becoming a better person, not someone like you and well you know." Draco mumbled.

"In other words…" Lucius began, "Your slipping. Perhaps a few whips will get you feeling yourself…" He stood up and moved towards Draco, He pulled out the whip from his back pocket, "…again."

I keep slipping father

"Don't even think about raising that thing at me. You won't hurt me anymore. I won't let you!" Draco felt more confident. "As I was saying I'm not like you, Now that I'm changing. I wont let myself change back. I'll die before you and your malevolence trap me again. I'm not your prisoner anymore".

Lucius laughed sarcastically. "What do you plan on doing? Raise a hand on your old man, or run away. Where are you going to go? Who will have you? The son of Lucius Malfoy…"

" I already have a place ready for me, with…" Draco paused quickly. He put his hand on his chest and held the butterfly close to his heart. He nearly gave Hermione away.

"Awww has my Son got a girlfriend. Someone he thinks he can love. Trust me you don't know how to love. Now get out of my site!" He spat angrily.

**DRACO'S DIARY:**

**December 30th 2008,**

**Wish I were too dead to cry self-affliction fails. All my life I've been too afraid **

**To cry and show my feelings. Due to my fathers' upbringing, I would rather die than cry. Ok, I admit I'm frightened of him, fearfully frightened. If I were around in the olden days I would Stone my creator. Masochist, to which I cater. I want to hurt him like he has hurt me and for making me the way I am. Father you don't need to bother. I'm not going to be the way you want me to be. I don't need to be like you I keep slipping Father and once I'm done, I wont go till it bleeds. I'm becoming a better person thanks to Hermione. She really has changed me, teaching me to open my heart. I'll die before I become like him, I hated Death eater. I will not be trapped by him again. **

Draco


	3. Wish i was

CHAPTER 3- Wish I was

"Wish I was too dead to care if indeed I can at all"

Last Line: "Now get out of my site" He spat angrily.

Now:

Dear Draco,

You haven't written for ages. I'm really worried about you.

What's going on? Are you Ok? Remember if you need my help all you

Have to do is ask. I'll come straight away you know that. Please don't

Keep me in the shadows.

Love Hermione xxx

Draco was out in one of the gardens. Sitting in a Gazebo, which was over looking the acres of woodland and lakes. Millions of stars reflected onto the lakes.

He had his head in his hands. "Why do I feel this way? These feeling can't be love. God I wish I didn't have all these new emotions so strange and unreal. They're not real they can't be."

Draco was wondering about what to do. He didn't know whether he should run away to Hermione's. But that was endangering her and showing he is no man running away. Or if he should continue ignoring Hermione and that way she will be safe and his father will be happy.

But that is cowardly also taking the easy way out.

"I've never stood up for myself before." Draco murmured.

"I've always obeyed my father, without question. I've always lived in fear."

Draco had just tipped a glass of water over the floor. He was only six years old. He was trying to help his sick mother; he had got a glass of water for his mother because She had been sick again. Draco was really worried; she kept throwing up bight yellow sick. She had put on quite a bit of weight recently. But Draco didn't mind she was cuddlier this way.

"Mummy I'm really sorry I spilt the glass. I tried to carry it in here for you." Draco burst into tears "I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry."

"It's ok baby, come here sweetheart. I'll help you clean it up before father comes home. Show me where it is you tipped it."

Draco led his mother to the kitchen and pointed on the floor. Narcissa bent over and began to wipe it up…just as Lucius walked through the door and into the kitchen.

"What are doing?" Lucius asked sharply.

"Hello Darling, I spilt some water on the floor. Draco was helping me clean it up." Narcissa answered.

"Is this true Draco?" Lucius asked slyly.

"Father I spilt it. Mummy was sick again, so I got her a glass of water and I spilt it. I'm sorry Father…it wasn't mummy's fault." Draco said terrified, his whole body shook. He hid behind his mother.

"Why did you lie to me?" Lucius asked Narcissa.

"It wasn't his fault…don't punish him. I asked him to get me a glass of wat…" Lucius smacked her across the face. The sharp sting echoed through the kitchen.

"Don't lie to me again!" Lucius grabbed Narcissa's stomach tightly and pulled her to him, "You need rest or something could get seriously hurt…you know me Cissa I don't play games…I create them." He looked at Draco, who was still hiding behind his mother, "Now get out of my way!" She flinched as he let go of her stomach. She looked at Draco sadly and mouthed to him "I love you." She then turned towards the door and quickly left.

Draco slowly moved towards his father still shaking, pulled his top up his back.

"Bend over" His father pulled out the leather whip and slashed it onto Draco's back several times. Then left Draco while saying, "Don't cry or you'll have many more whips upon your back."

Draco flinched at the thought. How could Hermione care so much about him after all the mean and horrible things he did to her. He hurt he badly. What if he did end up like his father after all they did have the same genes and blood. But was Draco's grandfather like that? He never had anything to do with his father's relatives.

"I don't even know if I can care. What if it's something else I feel?" Draco muffled under his breath.

Lucius had always threatened Draco like his house elves. He probably did it because he new Draco was afraid to protest; petrified to stick up for himself.

Draco wished he had never done any of the bad things he did. All of the bullying he did etc.

Draco remembered he always wanted to be like his father, but he gave up trying when he was ten. He new the more he tried to be like his father, the more abused he was by Lucius and the more he broke his mothers heart.

I did one good deed; maybe that's why Hermione likes me!

Draco thought confused, She must have thought I can care. After all I did save her life from Drowning in the Hogwarts Lake. Stupid Potter he shouldn't have made her so upset…she wouldn't have tried to drown herself then.

"I want to make it up to the people I've hurt but I don't know?"

Draco was lost in his thoughts once again.

I have to go back to Lucius and stick up for myself.

"I'll write to Hermione. Tell her I'm leaving. My father won't threaten me again I can't let him. Why should I be afraid?"

Draco didn't take long to write his rushed letter:

My Hermione,

Sorry about not writing sooner. I don't want you endangered

I'm fine so far. I don't know how to…well I'll get straight to the point. I need

Your help Mione. I'm leaving Malfoy Mansion tonight but I need you to help

Me. I need somewhere to hide only for a little while, till I get a job and then I

Can sort my own house out. But I don't want to live with you, I don't want

Anyone to have an excuse to harm you. I miss you so much like the moon

Misses the sun. You are the only warmth left in my life. I'm sorry I've been

Keeping you in the shadows. Please understand I don't want you to get hurt.

Thank you

_D.Malfoy _

Draco ran down the winding paths, which were over run with Foxgloves. He ran to the large barn where he kept his owls and August. He gave a sharp, loud whistle and his black eagle came swooping down onto his shoulder.

"August, I need you to take this straight to Hermione, Ok? Don't stop for no one. Understand? Not even father! Here are some extra treats for your journey." He kissed the bird between the eyes. The bird bowed his head, "Don't worry, you'll be alright." The eagle looked at Draco and began to flap its strong wings. Draco whispered "Good Luck" and told the bird to "fly". The eagle left Draco's shoulders and flew out of the barn door. Draco followed the eagle out of the door and watched as the bird was eventually out of site in the moonlit sky.

Draco sighed deeply and walked towards the cold Mansion.

"You don't need me father, plenty of others would love to have the chance to join the Dark Lord, rather than me. I'm changing and it's time you listened to me. Back off Father. I'm not afraid no more. I'll die before you try to trap me in this life.

DRACO'S DIARY 

**January 12th 2009,**

**Wish I were too dead to care. If indeed I can at all. Never had a voice to protest. I've always done what I was told. Never asked any questions just listened. All He does is threaten me. Why does he have to do it all the time? He just gives you shit to digest. I wish I had a reason, my flaws open season. For this I've given up trying to put my father in his place. I'm too afraid of him to run away. But one good turn deserves my time. You don't need to bother father. I don't need to be like you father. I'm changing, there's nothing you can do, I won't change back. I won't let it go till it bleeds.**

Draco


End file.
